The reason I haven’t posted in a few days is not that I’ve had no words. The reason is that I’ve only sad, bleak words that I didn’t want to share.
I have not been in a great place lately, and I refrained from sharing this on the blog for a few reasons.
1. I don’t really want this to be a personal, “here’s what I did today” kind of site. Maybe if my days get more interesting or I experience some positive personal growth or change, that will be worth sharing. But for now, I just need to work on writing.
2. I felt that it was counterproductive to air out my bad feelings on the Internet while trying to be a more positive “real life” person. How can I bring more happiness into my life if I’m constantly spewing darkness (virtual or otherwise)?
3. Some people can make feeling sad eloquent. I don’t know about my words, but my actions when I’m sad are anything but eloquent. Let’s just say there are a lot of tears and a fair amount of anger.
So, why share this now? Because I needed to get it out. I’m really struggling right now and I don’t know what to do about it. I thought starting this blog might help; that it might give me something to work on and about which to be passionate.
I’m not there yet.
I feel like I’m floating through this decade of my life grasping for something that I care about, that I’m good at, and that gives me some sort of fulfillment. I always thought that thing would be my work. Now I don’t care if it’s my work or just a hobby. I simply need to find it. Right now, my skill set includes watching comedy television, having headaches, and procrastinating. I have all these ideas about what would make me happy and and turn me into the person I’ve always thought I would become. I must not want it enough, because I’m the only person who can empower myself to change and I’m simply not doing it.
Maybe it’s time to turn off the TV and read a book. Or 30.
I know what you mean, I didn’t want to write “things I did today” on my blog, but here I was doing absolutely nothing, and I wrote it.. Not exactly like that, but it’s similar.
I think the position you find yourself in is pretty similar to what just about everyone else experiences to some degree. In my own opinion I think it is a lucky few who find a big sense of fullfillment from their jobs. I’ve gotten to the point where I feel a slight bit at mine but not enough where that by itself gives me a whole lot of joy. I think you have to keep looking for those things in life that give you joy and really milk them for as much as thier worth. For me that is interacting with friends and just people I care about in general and, as dorky as it sounds, just trying to be a good person. My job more functions as a means to end; paying bills, being able to eat out occasionally. And even though outside of Marla and my co-workers I don’t actually get to spend a whole lot time with friends it’s something that I look forward to and recharges me enough that, along with my life with Mrs. Morrison and Loki and Iggy, I can get a general sense of fullfillment. But sometimes that wanes for periods too. I guess I’m just saying I wish I could offer better advice but all you can do is really just try to keep looking for what makes you happy. And if you are feeling depressed try to reach out as much as possible. Put that health insurance to use and see a therapist. If you need help finding one let us know. So many people, probably most of the people you know, had been or are in a smilar place that you are.
Scot, you always offer me words of wisdom and a friend to talk to. Thank you for consistently being a great friend. I’m so sorry that I have not spent much time with you and Marla recently. I definitely need to fix that soon. Thank you, again (and tell Marla and the furry ones I say hello).
No need to apologize. I know life and the mental places we find ourselves in sometime can make it hard to get in contact with others, especially if it’s been a while. I’ll pass on the hello’s and anytime you want to talk we’re here.
Hey girl (call me Ryan Gosling)…uhh? I know we’re just work friends, but I don’t want you to be sad. You are obviously good at things and have a lot to offer people, and I think just feeling stuck and under appreciated at your job is making you down. Having experienced some dark, crippling depression in my past, I think that if I would have had some perspective, I would have realized that the only person that can really help me is me. Which is how I try to view things currently, and is one of the reasons why I did not slip into a dark place while I spent almost two years after graduate school looking for full time employment. I’m not sure where I am going with this. Just, you know, if you ever want to chat or hang out or anything, you know where I am, now that I have joined the dark side. This is rambly and full of too many commas. Over and out.