I have not been in a great place lately, and I refrained from sharing this on the blog for a few reasons.

1. I don’t really want this to be a personal, “here’s what I did today” kind of site. Maybe if my days get more interesting or I experience some positive personal growth or change, that will be worth sharing. But for now, I just need to work on writing.
2. I felt that it was counterproductive to air out my bad feelings on the Internet while trying to be a more positive “real life” person. How can I bring more happiness into my life if I’m constantly spewing darkness (virtual or otherwise)?
3. Some people can make feeling sad eloquent. I don’t know about my words, but my actions when I’m sad are anything but eloquent. Let’s just say there are a lot of tears and a fair amount of anger.

So, why share this now? Because I needed to get it out. I’m really struggling right now and I don’t know what to do about it. I thought starting this blog might help; that it might give me something to work on and about which to be passionate.

I’m not there yet.

I feel like I’m floating through this decade of my life grasping for something that I care about, that I’m good at, and that gives me some sort of fulfillment. I always thought that thing would be my work. Now I don’t care if it’s my work or just a hobby. I simply need to find it. Right now, my skill set includes watching comedy television, having headaches, and procrastinating. I have all these ideas about what would make me happy and and turn me into the person I’ve always thought I would become. I must not want it enough, because I’m the only person who can empower myself to change and I’m simply not doing it.

Maybe it’s time to turn off the TV and read a book. Or 30.

Focus.

Motivation.

Inspiration.

When I wake up in the morning, I am hardly awake. I stay in my bed until the last possible minute (Well, that’s a lie. The last possible minute would be rolling out of bed and into the car, sans shower and teeth-brushing. I accomplish those necessary tasks, at least).

After 8 thankless hours surrounded by filthy, molding books and demanding patrons, I am ready to do mostly nothing with my evenings. Cleaning, cooking, and hobby-type activities don’t really happen. Does watching 30 Rock reruns count as a hobby?

This is totally cliche to quote, but Gandhi said “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” I’m pretty sure he meant the actual world and not just me getting my butt off the couch and doing something productive in my tiny, little, personal world. But it’s true. No one can make me a writer except for me. I know the only way to get better is to practice, and that’s on me.

To get focused I’m simply going to have to buckle down and work. I don’t know of any methods to get focused other than turning off the damn television and just doing whatever it is I need to do. However, I think motivation and inspiration are a packaged deal. When something inspires me, I will be motivated to write about it. I’m currently scanning the internet for articles and topics that are thought-provoking and opinion-creating. So far, nothing has grabbed me, but the internet is a big a place. I’m also hunting around for writing tips and advice. Because if I’m going to be serious about this, I’ve got some studying to do.

Tonight’s agenda: brainstorm, write, wash the dishes (blergh.)

If you had the opportunity to sit down to dinner and conversation with Mr. President USA, what topics would you want to discuss? And, more importantly, what would you eat?

Through last Friday (9/30/11), anyone who donated to the president’s reelection campaign had the chance to be entered to win an evening and dinner with Barack Obama himself. I feel like a $10 donation might be worth it for the chance to ask some serious questions of the prez, face-to-face, even if you support a different candidate.

Well, I was away from my computer all day last Friday, so I missed the boat on this opportunity. But if I ever have the chance to meet Mr. Commander-in-Chief, here’s what I’ll ask him…

1. Education – How many NGOs, initiatives, organizations, etc. focus on providing education (particularly to young girls) as a means to grow economies, end oppressive regimes, and raise the standard of living in poverty-stricken areas? The answer is a pretty lengthy list: Room to Read, Central Asia Institute, and UNESCO are just a few. So why are we not focusing on education domestically to improve our economy, our standard of living? We need to be taking steps to make certain future generations are prepared if and when a financial (or other) crisis occurs. I am not a teacher or an expert on educational theory, but I do live in a school district that recently lost its accreditation (and has not been fully accredited in at least 10 years). I work in a poor, urban area and see first-hand that the current system has done very little for very few.

I would ask Mr. President why education is consistently such a low priority for administrations, both Republican and Democratic. I would also ask what his plans are to revamp (or replace) No Child Left Behind. Finally, I would want to know his thoughts on the role of education in major crises, like recessions, and what types of educational theories (and expert practitioners) he would introduce into his policies/administration to remedy the current issues.

2. Iraq & Afghanistan – I will readily admit that I am not a fan of war, “war,” police action, or whatever Congress wants to call it. I was not pleased when the war started, I was not pleased when the war “ended,” and I’m certainly not pleased that we’re in financial ruin but still pumping billions of dollars into the DOD budget. I am not against having a standing military or the Department of Defense’s existence. However, I do have a problem with bleeding money and killing innocent people, American or otherwise. During his first bid for the presidency, Obama was pretty firm about setting a timeline and pulling the troops out of the Middle East. Now, here we are, discussing his reelection campaign, and we’re pretty much no where on this issue. The timeline keeps changing, getting postponed.

I would ask the president… why? Why are we still there? Why are we spending so much money on this conflict that we’ve supposedly won? And what are we doing for the soldiers who have devoted years of the lives to this cause upon their return home?

3. Health Care - I don’t know the ins and outs of the proposed health care overhaul. But I do know this: it’s not enough. If Republicans are going to throw the term “socialist” around, I think Obama should run with it. Someone please explain to me what’s wrong with “socialized medicine?” We already pay taxes, so why not get something tangible out of it (I know my tax dollars are used, but not always in ways that directly affect me). No human being has greater intrinsic value than another, and we are all entitled to the same level of care. I should be able to have a any procedure that my condition requires, regardless of my income. What about that is so wrong?

In regard to health care reform, I wouldn’t ask Mr. President a question, I would make a demand: OWN IT. You started down this path with a vision, but compromised that vision to end up with a mediocre, sort-of-but-only-kind-of reform. If the United States wants to be the best, most desirable nation in the world, then we need to demonstrate that we treat all of our citizens with respect and dignity. And what better way to do that than providing them all with the medical care they require?

I’m sure I could come up with more to blab at him about, but those are my biggies. What would you ask the president if you got to sit down with him one-on-one?

Oh, yeah. I’d eat roast chicken, mashed potatoes, a salad, and some kind of chocolate dessert. It’s classy, traditional, and shows that I’m a little health-conscious. Also, who doesn’t love chocolatey stuff?

PS: I wish it was the chance to eat breakfast instead of dinner with Obama. I would totally call it Barack-fest.

What does this mean for you, dear (two) readers? It means that this blog may not be very cohesive. Basically, I’m just trying to improve my skills and get in the habit of writing everyday. I hope for the blog to grow as my writing (hopefully) grows. I can tell you this: be prepared for pop culture, politics, and self-deprecation. These are all things that interest me and spark ideas in my brain space. You’ve been warned.

I hope you’re not thoroughly disappointed. Mild disappointment, however, is acceptable.